It was the nightingale, and not the lark
That pierced the fearful monkey of thine ear.
Which work of Shakespeare was the original quote from?
Thursday, February 16, 2012
You know you don't want to be working
Grading Blitz
I’m trying not to fall asleep at my desk. I have grading to do, and I managed to get through four before I thought, “I just can’t think about this anymore.” I’m tired and a little distracted. However, I really need to get this grading finished, as I have a whole new set of grading coming in tomorrow from my 3 intro classes. Then, Monday, those same 3 intro classes have their first major paper coming in. (Everything to this point has been response work, which I still, foolishly, spend time reading – though I don’t mark them up much.) Anyway – it’s a busy time. Plus, eldest’s birthday is tomorrow, and I need to get him some birthday presents tonight. We’re having a party on Saturday for him – low key, a couple of friends at our house for pizza and cake. And that’s that.
It’s been a hellish week, so I’m going to sign off now and try to get my head together for the rest of the day. Fortunately, I only have one class today, and a meeting at 2, so I’ll be finishing up early and will have more time in the afternoon to grade. I just hate doing these blitz grading sessions. It’s probably not fair to the students for me to read so much at once – I get more annoyed with them more easily. But when else will I have time? Today’s the day.
It’s been a hellish week, so I’m going to sign off now and try to get my head together for the rest of the day. Fortunately, I only have one class today, and a meeting at 2, so I’ll be finishing up early and will have more time in the afternoon to grade. I just hate doing these blitz grading sessions. It’s probably not fair to the students for me to read so much at once – I get more annoyed with them more easily. But when else will I have time? Today’s the day.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Going home
Today, I go home from California. I'm glad. This is the first time I will have left California in my life without reluctance. I had a lot of mixed feelings being here, which I didn't entirely expect. It was wonderful seeing my friends, but I also felt ill at ease, being here without my family. It was good to have alone time, but it was not good to pass by the exit for my old home on the interstate. It overwhelmed me with the desire to be with my hubby and kids. And it was then that I figured out something important:
I need them in order to be complete and happy.
While this would appear to be obvious, it has not always been so for me. I tend to be a very walled off person, with resistance to emotional availability. It's not that I'm not open. I talk about things. It's just that I tend to analyze my life like literature - like it's happening to a character, rather than me. I am coldly analytical about it. That doesn't really lend itself to intimacy of any sort, and I struggle with that a lot. I remind myself, "Now, you should hug your kid. Remember that you should care about what's going on around you." When I nudge myself, I can be a good person, and it feels good. But I grew up with coldness, so it's a habit. And it's hard to break.
But in the last couple of days, I've been going through a lot of intense emotions - trying to figure out how I feel about what's gone on in the last few years, trying to make sense of my feelings of failure, despite the fact that I got a job. I'm realizing that I need to accept the goodness around me, and not shun it simply because I don't feel like I deserve it. Maybe I deserve it - maybe I don't - but whatever the case, that goodness is mine to take, if only I'll reach out my hand and grasp it.
So I will.
My plane arrives home late tonight - around midnight. Everyone will be asleep, but I can't wait to see them anyway. Even if I can only peek in on my kids, I will be so relieved simply to be in their lives again. I'll wake up my hubby. I will remember to tell him I love him - not because I feel obliged to say the words, but because I cannot imagine my life without him. And I never want to.
I need them in order to be complete and happy.
While this would appear to be obvious, it has not always been so for me. I tend to be a very walled off person, with resistance to emotional availability. It's not that I'm not open. I talk about things. It's just that I tend to analyze my life like literature - like it's happening to a character, rather than me. I am coldly analytical about it. That doesn't really lend itself to intimacy of any sort, and I struggle with that a lot. I remind myself, "Now, you should hug your kid. Remember that you should care about what's going on around you." When I nudge myself, I can be a good person, and it feels good. But I grew up with coldness, so it's a habit. And it's hard to break.
But in the last couple of days, I've been going through a lot of intense emotions - trying to figure out how I feel about what's gone on in the last few years, trying to make sense of my feelings of failure, despite the fact that I got a job. I'm realizing that I need to accept the goodness around me, and not shun it simply because I don't feel like I deserve it. Maybe I deserve it - maybe I don't - but whatever the case, that goodness is mine to take, if only I'll reach out my hand and grasp it.
So I will.
My plane arrives home late tonight - around midnight. Everyone will be asleep, but I can't wait to see them anyway. Even if I can only peek in on my kids, I will be so relieved simply to be in their lives again. I'll wake up my hubby. I will remember to tell him I love him - not because I feel obliged to say the words, but because I cannot imagine my life without him. And I never want to.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Waiting for the day to begin
I'm sitting in my hotel room waiting for it to be a decent hour for me to leave. I'm guessing that will be soon. It's 7:43 Pacific time, and I'm on my first full day of vacation. I taught yesterday, then went home and got my bag, and I was off to the airport. I got to California at about 8:00 last night (11 my time) and met with a friend for drinks. Then, I went back to the hotel, and despite the late hour, couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned for hours, and finally at 5:00 (8:00), I gave up and got up.
I'm trying to figure out what to do today. The plans I had for lunch got shifted to tomorrow, and then I have a dinner date tonight with a girlfriend. The rest of the day? No clue. I might try to get a hold of the person I'm supposed to see Sunday and figure out if we can hang out today. Or I could just go to San Francisco or to the beach or to the woods. Whatever I do, I want to walk around some and take advantage of not-30-degree weather. It's supposed to be mid-60s today. Nice.
I have to say, it's very odd being here - especially without my family. I drove without a GPS last night to the place in Palo Alto where I was meeting my friend. It was all strikingly familiar, despite being gone for 7 months. But then, it also felt a little wrong. Like coming here was showing what a failure I am, since I couldn't stay here and survive. It's great to live someplace where the cost of living is low enough to be able to take vacations like this, but then, I also feel stupid for visiting. These feelings are the really stupid part, right?
Ah well. I'm going to make the most of it. One thing I wanted out of this vacation was some alone time, so I'm going to take advantage of the flexibility of the day.
I'm trying to figure out what to do today. The plans I had for lunch got shifted to tomorrow, and then I have a dinner date tonight with a girlfriend. The rest of the day? No clue. I might try to get a hold of the person I'm supposed to see Sunday and figure out if we can hang out today. Or I could just go to San Francisco or to the beach or to the woods. Whatever I do, I want to walk around some and take advantage of not-30-degree weather. It's supposed to be mid-60s today. Nice.
I have to say, it's very odd being here - especially without my family. I drove without a GPS last night to the place in Palo Alto where I was meeting my friend. It was all strikingly familiar, despite being gone for 7 months. But then, it also felt a little wrong. Like coming here was showing what a failure I am, since I couldn't stay here and survive. It's great to live someplace where the cost of living is low enough to be able to take vacations like this, but then, I also feel stupid for visiting. These feelings are the really stupid part, right?
Ah well. I'm going to make the most of it. One thing I wanted out of this vacation was some alone time, so I'm going to take advantage of the flexibility of the day.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Complaining
I know I said I wouldn't be around this week, but I have to complain somewhere. So here I am.
First, the colleague across the hall last week asked me if I had four books of hers that she had loaned me in the fall. I barely remembered the exchange of books, but I did remember that I had no interest in those books and promptly returned them. She insisted she never got them back. I said I'd look through my books and see if I still had them. I looked through every individual book on all five of my shelves, but didn't find the four books. Today, I told her that I had no idea what happened to them and that I was very sorry if I somehow lost them. She "hmphed" out of the room, stomping away. Later today, one of my other colleagues came up to this person in our department meeting and silently gave back the four books in question. The "hmph"er got up and took the books back to her office and then came back. After the meeting, I said, "oh, those books from so-and-so: were those the books you thought I had?" She said, "Yes." I said, "Oh, I'm so glad that they were found. I was really worried about having misplaced them." She said, "They must have gone from you to the other person," implying I gave away her books, which I would NEVER do. I said, "Well, I'm glad they were found," and I left. But I can't believe she acted like this was my fault, when it clearly was not. I'd never pass on loaned books to someone else. That's ridiculous. I'm pretty sure her memory is going. Hmph.
I had a couple of other meetings that depressed the shit out of me today. I met with my writing group. Since I finished my Shakespeare paper, I was all "yay, me!" at first. But then we started talking about what I was going to do next. (The other two people haven't finished a project yet, but they have goals.) I said that there were two things I'd like to do: (1) pull something out of my dissertation, dust it off, and send it somewhere; (2) write something about The Hunger Games. So far, so good. Then, we got to talking about why I want to write about The Hunger Games, and I said, "Well, I've taught these books five times in two years, so I have more active engagement with them than I do with Shakespeare." I was trying to be cute. But then, it occurred to me that I was right. I haven't had a chance to engage with MY FIELD in the classroom, except for ONE play in the intro class, for over two years. The last time I taught a Shakespeare class was when I was pregnant with my two-year-old. And it will be an entire year before I get to teach Shakespeare again - in the spring, 2013. It depressed the bejesus out of me.
Then, I had a department meeting that was fine. But THEN, I talked to my chair about some stuff concerning the person whom I replaced, but hasn't actually retired. Some things have been clarified about that person's role for fall, and while that's good -- no more wondering -- it's also bad. (The person isn't disappearing yet, which means my career is still on hold.) There were a few other things that were really frustrating me, but I haven't wanted to be in the chair's office constantly, so I figured I'd save some of it up to see if it would be resolved on its own in our department meeting today. None of the things I wanted to talk about made the agenda, which made me kind of upset because it indicated to me that no one else really thought these things were important. Granted, these people aren't mind readers, but I just ran into some people from the department the other day who said, "Oh, we need to talk about that stuff..." And yet, the things have not been discussed. Blerg. Whatever.
Then, someone asked if I could meet tomorrow to discuss something completely off my radar, but I said okay, even though it means going back to campus after therapy, which is when I normally leave on Wednesdays. And then, my chair said, "hey, why don't we get together and talk about the things that you want to talk about." So I made an appointment with him. While that is good, and I feel validated and that he cares about what is bothering me, I have now scheduled every minute of my day on Wednesday, will not have time for lunch at all, and will be at work for two hours past normal. Hmph. And the next day, before eldest comes home from school, I'm leaving for the bay area, so I would like to have some time with my family. Hmph. Freaking timing...
I think I need to make a list of things to talk about with my chair so that I don't just go into his office and burst into tears. That would probably seem unprofessional.
First, the colleague across the hall last week asked me if I had four books of hers that she had loaned me in the fall. I barely remembered the exchange of books, but I did remember that I had no interest in those books and promptly returned them. She insisted she never got them back. I said I'd look through my books and see if I still had them. I looked through every individual book on all five of my shelves, but didn't find the four books. Today, I told her that I had no idea what happened to them and that I was very sorry if I somehow lost them. She "hmphed" out of the room, stomping away. Later today, one of my other colleagues came up to this person in our department meeting and silently gave back the four books in question. The "hmph"er got up and took the books back to her office and then came back. After the meeting, I said, "oh, those books from so-and-so: were those the books you thought I had?" She said, "Yes." I said, "Oh, I'm so glad that they were found. I was really worried about having misplaced them." She said, "They must have gone from you to the other person," implying I gave away her books, which I would NEVER do. I said, "Well, I'm glad they were found," and I left. But I can't believe she acted like this was my fault, when it clearly was not. I'd never pass on loaned books to someone else. That's ridiculous. I'm pretty sure her memory is going. Hmph.
I had a couple of other meetings that depressed the shit out of me today. I met with my writing group. Since I finished my Shakespeare paper, I was all "yay, me!" at first. But then we started talking about what I was going to do next. (The other two people haven't finished a project yet, but they have goals.) I said that there were two things I'd like to do: (1) pull something out of my dissertation, dust it off, and send it somewhere; (2) write something about The Hunger Games. So far, so good. Then, we got to talking about why I want to write about The Hunger Games, and I said, "Well, I've taught these books five times in two years, so I have more active engagement with them than I do with Shakespeare." I was trying to be cute. But then, it occurred to me that I was right. I haven't had a chance to engage with MY FIELD in the classroom, except for ONE play in the intro class, for over two years. The last time I taught a Shakespeare class was when I was pregnant with my two-year-old. And it will be an entire year before I get to teach Shakespeare again - in the spring, 2013. It depressed the bejesus out of me.
Then, I had a department meeting that was fine. But THEN, I talked to my chair about some stuff concerning the person whom I replaced, but hasn't actually retired. Some things have been clarified about that person's role for fall, and while that's good -- no more wondering -- it's also bad. (The person isn't disappearing yet, which means my career is still on hold.) There were a few other things that were really frustrating me, but I haven't wanted to be in the chair's office constantly, so I figured I'd save some of it up to see if it would be resolved on its own in our department meeting today. None of the things I wanted to talk about made the agenda, which made me kind of upset because it indicated to me that no one else really thought these things were important. Granted, these people aren't mind readers, but I just ran into some people from the department the other day who said, "Oh, we need to talk about that stuff..." And yet, the things have not been discussed. Blerg. Whatever.
Then, someone asked if I could meet tomorrow to discuss something completely off my radar, but I said okay, even though it means going back to campus after therapy, which is when I normally leave on Wednesdays. And then, my chair said, "hey, why don't we get together and talk about the things that you want to talk about." So I made an appointment with him. While that is good, and I feel validated and that he cares about what is bothering me, I have now scheduled every minute of my day on Wednesday, will not have time for lunch at all, and will be at work for two hours past normal. Hmph. And the next day, before eldest comes home from school, I'm leaving for the bay area, so I would like to have some time with my family. Hmph. Freaking timing...
I think I need to make a list of things to talk about with my chair so that I don't just go into his office and burst into tears. That would probably seem unprofessional.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Potentially MIA
Since I'm going on vacation in three days (!!!), I am going to have a LOT of work to do this week. I got papers today, and I want to have a big hunk graded before heading west. Plus, I have to pack and organize my calendar with people I'm meeting. So I think I'll probably be MIA for the remainder of this week. Normally, I read most of the blogs on my blog roll daily, but I feel like something is going to slide. That will likely be it.
So I'll see you after vacation for sure. In the meantime, life will not be so quiet since I have SO much work to do. Cheers!
So I'll see you after vacation for sure. In the meantime, life will not be so quiet since I have SO much work to do. Cheers!
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Sorry about that
If anyone saw the title of my last post and thought I was getting divorced, sorry about that. Nah. Hubby and I are good. It's my friend who is on the hot seat. Anyway, apologies, folks!
Now then.
I just finished the edits on my SAA paper and sent it off to our organizer. So that's good and finished. Kind of. I went a little over the word count because I had too big of a project for this, really. So I summarized the last two points I was going to make with a note saying this is part of a bigger project and left it at that. When I do get a chance to work on this as a longer piece, I'll be able to fill it out more, but for now, for this particular conference, it's done, and I feel good about it. Huzzah!
Monday, I get a stack of papers in. Boo! And then Thursday, I leave for California. Yay! It's going to be one hectic week, methinks. I am trying to wrap my head around what I need to do in the next couple of days.
I said to hubby the other day that academics are awesome at planning a year in advance, but we're awful at planning a day in advance. Is it just me, or is that true? I have no idea what I'm doing tomorrow, except in a vague sense. But I totally know what I have planned for the next six months. Is this a sickness?
Well, that said, I should get to bed so I can get up early and figure out what the heck is going on. My students will probably be sleepy-eyed monsters tomorrow morning, as we're all a little hung over from an entire week of Super Bowl hoop-la, right here in our very own backyard. One of my students even worked at the game. She's going to be a tired panda, if she makes it at all. I suspect if she didn't, she wouldn't be missing much. Yawn!!
Now then.
I just finished the edits on my SAA paper and sent it off to our organizer. So that's good and finished. Kind of. I went a little over the word count because I had too big of a project for this, really. So I summarized the last two points I was going to make with a note saying this is part of a bigger project and left it at that. When I do get a chance to work on this as a longer piece, I'll be able to fill it out more, but for now, for this particular conference, it's done, and I feel good about it. Huzzah!
Monday, I get a stack of papers in. Boo! And then Thursday, I leave for California. Yay! It's going to be one hectic week, methinks. I am trying to wrap my head around what I need to do in the next couple of days.
I said to hubby the other day that academics are awesome at planning a year in advance, but we're awful at planning a day in advance. Is it just me, or is that true? I have no idea what I'm doing tomorrow, except in a vague sense. But I totally know what I have planned for the next six months. Is this a sickness?
Well, that said, I should get to bed so I can get up early and figure out what the heck is going on. My students will probably be sleepy-eyed monsters tomorrow morning, as we're all a little hung over from an entire week of Super Bowl hoop-la, right here in our very own backyard. One of my students even worked at the game. She's going to be a tired panda, if she makes it at all. I suspect if she didn't, she wouldn't be missing much. Yawn!!
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